How many times have you heard that someone is “driven”? I’ve been called that among many other things. What has bugged me about it is the fact that, even though many consider me driven, I consider myself one of the most lazy people on the planet.

Think about all of the great inventions in mankind. Let’s start with the wheel. Man was too lazy to carry around stuff so he created the wheel. In the middle ages man was so lazy someone created the guillotine because the executioner was too lazy to use a sword. In the last century we’ve created cars, computers, dish washers, and a slew of other devices. Why? Because we’re lazy.

All of this stems from a conversation I had today at my girlfriend’s grandparent’s house. Her mom asked if we needed an electric can opener. An electric can opener?!? How lazy is that? In fact there are enough people willing to pay upwards of $50.00 just so they can forego opening a can opener with a human powered one.

Many may argue that man has created all of these wonderful inventions in the name of efficiency. If this was the case then we wouldn’t be driving SUV’s and creating tons of waste (per person) each year.

One can take this a step further and say that the eventual evolution will, in fact, lead to The Matrix. In the movie humans are kept at rest in a computer generated world. I know a fair share of people who would love to live in such an environment as long as they had some control over it.

Am I any better being the cynic? No. I’ve spent hours upon hours writing the code that drives this website when in reality it saves me little time in posting entries to my blog. Now get off your lazy ass and go about making it possible to be lazy (recursion?).

It’s official, I have SARS. I say this with great sarcasm, because the media is portraying this as the apocolypse. In reality, SARS has officially killed 182 people. I don’t mean to sound like an ass, though some will argue I always sound like an ass, but 182 out of 5,000,000,000 (billion) seems like a molecule in the bucket (not even a drop!).

I hate it when the media gets hysterical over stuff like this. Nevermind the 40,000,000 (million) people who are infected with HIV/AIDS, 9 percent of which live in poverty in Africa. Also, don’t think about the 500,000 women who died globally of breast cancer in 1997 (the last year such data is available globally). And definitely don’t mention the 10 million people the World Health Organization estimates will die in the next 25 years from tobacco related deaths (70% of that number is made up of people living in developing countries).

My point here? My point is that CNN is more worried about covering the plight of 182 people than the harsh realities of the true epidemics that we face today. It seems even more stupid than the attack of “Africanized Bees” that “rocked” the news a few years ago. As a friend of mine says “Don’t hate the media, be the media!”

I walked into the bank yesterday only to find a lobby that looked more like a café than a bank. Off in the corner was a full blown popcorn machine. Yes. A popcorn machine. At each window were stacks of candy bars for sale.

And the most odd nugget of food-for-marketing laying around? Tiny Heinz ketchup bottles about the size of a small Tylenol bottle were everywhere. Perfect glass with metal twist top replicas complete with a catchy slogan: “Do you need to Catch Up? Ask us about our Roth IRA today!”

I couldn’t make this stuff up if I tried.

I just recieved an email from a person named “Solong”, which I can only assume was pronounced “So Long.” I had to chuckle at the English translation of a name that probably has some honorable meaning in its native tongue.

Being my last name is Stump I’m allowed to laugh at other peoples’ names because I know how the jokes go. The only thing I wonder about now is if Joe or Stump have any funny meanings in other languages. If you know of any let me know.

I find it so funny when news sources report on possible military strikes on various targets only to say “there is no word when and where a strike could happen.”

No shit Sherlock! Did you really think when you asked that question that any government in the world would answer it? I can hear it now “Yeah we’re putting all our guys here in the hopes we can blow up their radar stations. Next question?” I wish they would just omit it from all news sources.

A side note to this story: If you’re a retired military person stay the hell away from CNN – no one cares about your “expert” opinion.

I’ve been offline at home for quite some time due to an ongoing battle with Comcast, which explains the reason my blogging habits have decreased in recent weeks. The good news is that I have some funny stuff to comment on today.

I hate to post about this, but I the shear idiocity of it all demands my attention. Michael Jackson is in the news again. Some of the things this guy says just amazes me. In one quote he talks about his desire to have kids.

Rowe agreed to have his children because “she wanted to do that for me as a present,” Jackson said, adding that before he became a father, he wanted children so badly that he carried around a baby doll.

A baby doll? Are you kidding me? This guy needs to be committed ASAP. Another quote, which is just off the charts, is in regards to his ongoing plastic surgery saga.

He insisted that the only cosmetic work he has undergone were two operations on his nose to help him breathe and sing better. Asked about his changing appearance through the years, Jackson said, “I changed. People change.”

Gray hair, loss of hair, wrinkles are how people change. Skin pigmentation, chins, noses, and eyes don’t. How do you go from this to looking like this. Crazy idiot.

In other wacko related news I was walking out of Taco Bell today and saw a large group of about 20 young adults walking towards the drive through window. They were all well dressed in suits, dresses, etc. Nothing odd about this, except two things: A man and woman where each holding one hand of a small doll as parents would with a young child and they were all walking somberly towards the drive through. It looked like a cult. Needless to say I ran in the other direction.

The good news today is that I got my taxes all done. I did the rapid refund option from H & R Block and picked up the check today. Nothing like the government paying ME money for a change.

I was walking through the halls of the student union at EMU when I noticed something: All of the stuff hanging from the walls was made of highly biodegradable materials.

Our ancestors carved their legacy into giant stone cathedrals, caves, and pyramids. 21st century humans use CD’s, paper, and silicon wafers. All of which are known to decay. To compound the problem humans of tomorrow might not know how to read a CD. Hell, a working cassette player is becoming harder and harder to find.

My fear in noticing this is that the humans of tomorrow will misinterpret the things we have created that will stand the test of time, such as the odd abstract art that is found outside of buildings, various space debris, and our buildings. I envision a lot of head scratching, which, in the case of the abstract art, isn’t much different than the humans of today.

Those of you who know me personally know that my parents moved me to Northern Michigan my senior year of high school. Without getting into specifics I’ll say that it was, without a doubt, the worst year of my life.

Since leaving for college five years ago, I rarely go back. My parents often get upset with me for not visiting more often. I’m now sitting in Nothern Michigan on a 33.6k connection using Windows XP … and they wonder why I don’t like it up here. Jokes aside, I have found myself reliving some things I’d rather forget. In blatantly cheesy Jeff Foxworthy style I’ll form my observations in the form of “You might be from northern Michigan if …”

You might be from Northern Michigan if:

• Your snowmobile goes faster than your car.
• Your trailer has an external roof on pedestals to shield it from the weight of the yearly snow.
• Your proud that your average ACT score jumped from a 16 to a 19 in the last year at the local high school.
• You bought your kids cammos at the local Wal-Mart for Christmas.
• The biggest meanest bar in town is named the Rainbow Bar.

I’m not saying there aren’t rednecks downstate either, I’m just saying they seem to congregate in N. Michigan. In fact, Lauren and I were at the Wal-Mart in Ypsilanti the other day as a father, sporting a Jiffy Lube uniform and a mesh NASCAR hat, proudly bought his toddler son cammos while claiming they were for his “baby sniper.” Yeah, drop out of high school, good idea.

I’ve talked about how public schools are completely out of control a few times before. Students told what to wear, what to say, and how to act. The students who do not conform are labeled as outcasts.

After years of being opressed, rediculed, and downtrodden it does not come as a surprise that kids lash out. While I do not condone nor agree with the methods of those involved in the Columbine Masacre, I can empathize to a certain degree with their state of mind. It can be very difficult to complete with the idolized athletes in your High School when all you do is get straight A’s, organize school events, and volunteer for local nonprofits.

It is for the above reasons that I find the story of a student fighting back and winning so uplifting. The student described in the article was suspended after posting a violent message on a satanistic website. He sued saying his freedom of expression was violated and the courts agreed! I always thought that schools punishing students for violations that occurred off school grounds was overstepping some boundary. Apparently the federal courts agree as well.

Last night Lauren and I visited some of the finer establishments in Richmond, MI. We started the night off at a place called “Chaps.” In the heart of “downtown” Richmond. It was your typical small town bar. Upon entering the bar we were surrounded by the ear piercing sound of “I am Woman” being sung by an inebriated elderly woman. After wading through the sea of cammoflauge and John Deer hats we settled down for a few beers. Amazingly, they had our favorite beer Michelobe Ultra. As you can imagine, I was quite relieved to find out that the bright orange shotgun the guys in the back were wielding was attached to the latest version of the “Deer Hunter” video game. After a few more poor renditions of twangy country tunes belted out over the bar’s hand-me-down karaoke player, we left for the other hot spot in town, Knapp’s.

Knapp’s had an overall younger feel to it. We quickly grabbed a table and headed to the bar for a drink. I was feeling especially cheery so I decided to get my favorite mixed drink, a Red Bull and Vodka. I was greeted with “Red what?” from the bartender. How could you NOT know what Red Bull is? After having my bubble burst I settled into a regular routine of $1.50 drafts for the rest of the night.

Of course, no drunken night would be complete without a trip to Taco Bell. I ended up getting a Steak Bowl.

All I have to say now is: Thank Allah for Chaser!