• Toilets in Europe and the UK have two flush mechanisms. One is a small button with a single dot on it and the second, larger button, has two dots on it. I find this to be an extremely simple and elegant solution to conserving water.
• Speaking of toilets, have you ever crapped on a Japanese toilet?! Holy. Shit. Besides my Googler friends, who have been happily crapping on space age Japanese toilets for years, we’ve all been missing out. Seat warmers, bidets, music, automatic lids, and freaking medical sensors! I mean, why don’t they just add laser beams?
• Public restrooms in Europe, the UK, and Japan have fully enclosed small rooms for their toilets. There’s absolutely no cracks or open air around you. Total privacy while taking a crap in public. Pure genius.
• Showers in every place I’ve been to in Europe and many in the UK have two knobs, as you’d expect, but they do totally different things. One knob is temperature (many have the actual temperature numbers on them) and the other is pressure. Never fumble around adjusting hot and cold until you get it just right!
• In Thailand their plumbing systems weren’t made for flushing toilet paper and such so they have a small spray hose (think of the sprayer by your sink attached to a wall by the toilet). Toilet paper is merely used to dry off your clean bottom. I got used to this method pretty quickly and much prefer it over toilet paper.

If I ever do build my own home or renovate another bathroom I’ll be including all of these in my bathroom as I think they really do make the perfect bathroom all together.

Did you ever think we’d have a world without people acting like idiots? Ask any grade school teacher. There are always one or two.

The great thing about free speech is that it encourages those people to identify themselves …

My revised version of the above is as follows.

The great thing about free speech is that it encourages idiots to identify themselves.

He’s got a blog and documenting the whole thing photographically on Flickr.

To say I’m jealous would be an understatement.

We’ve all been there but don’t like to admit it. As much as we try to convince ourselves otherwise, the Work Poop is inevitable. For those who hate pooping at work, following is the Survival Guide for taking a dump at work.

Crop Dusting

When farting, you walk briskly around the office so the smell is not in your area and everyone else gets a whiff but doesn’t know where it came from. Be careful when you do this. Do not stop until the full fart has been expelled. Walk an extra 30 feet to make sure the smell has left your pants.

Fly By

This is the act of scouting out a bathroom before pooping. Walk in and check for other poopers. If there are others in the bathroom, leave and come back again. Be careful not to become a Frequent Flyer. People may become suspicious if they catch you constantly going into the bathroom.

Escapee

This is a fart that slips out while taking a leak at the urinal or forcing a poop in a stall. This is usually accompanied by a sudden wave of embarrassment. If you release an escapee, do not acknowledge it. Pretend it did not happen. If you are standing next to the farter in the urinal, pretend you did not hear it. No one likes an escapee. It is uncomfortable for all involved. Making a joke or laughing makes both parties feel uneasy.

Jail Break

When forcing a poop, several farts slip out at a machine gun pace. This is usually a side effect of diarrhea or a hangover. If this should happen, do not panic. Remain in the stall until everyone has left the bathroom to spare everyone the awkwardness of what just occurred.

Courtesy Flush

The act of flushing the toilet the instant the poop hits the water. This reduces the amount of airtime the poop has to stink up the bathroom. This can help you avoid being caught Doing the Walk of Shame.

Walk of Shame

Walking from the stall, to the sink, to the door after you have just stunk up the bathroom. This can be a very uncomfortable moment if someone walks in and busts you. As with farts, it is best to pretend that the smell does not exist. This very uncomfortable walk can be avoided with the use of the Courtesy Flush.

Out of the Closet Pooper

This is a colleague who poops at work and is damn proud of it! You will often see an Out Of The Closet Pooper enter the bathroom with a newspaper or magazine under his or her arm. Always look around the office for the Out Of The Closet Pooper before entering the bathroom.

PFN

A group of co-workers who band together to ensure emergency pooping goes off without incident. This group can help you to monitor the whereabouts of Out Of The Closet Poopers, and identify Safe Havens.

Safe Havens

A Safe Haven is a seldom-used bathroom somewhere in the building where you can least expect visitors. Try floors that are predominantly of the opposite sex. This will reduce the odds of a pooper of your sex entering the bathroom.

Turd Burglar

This is someone who does not realize that you are in the stall and tries to force the door open. This is one of the most shocking and vulnerable moments that can occur when taking a poop at work if this occurs, remain in the stall until the Turd Burglar leaves. This way you will avoid all uncomfortable eye contact.

Camo-Cough

A phony cough that alerts all new entrants into the bathroom that you are in a stall is called a Camo-Cough. This can be used to cover-up a Watermelon, or to alert potential Turd Burglars. The Camo-Cough is very effective when used in conjunction with an Astaire.

Astaire

An Astaire is a subtle toe-tap that is used to alert potential Turd Burglars that you are occupying a stall. This will end all doubt that the stall is occupied. If you hear an Astaire, leave the bathroom immediately so the pooper can poop in peace.

Watermelon

A watermelon is a big poop that creates a loud splash when hitting the toilet water. This is also an embarrassing incident. If you feel a Watermelon coming on, create a diversion. See Camo-Cough.

Havana Omelet

A case of diarrhea that creates a series of loud splashes in the toilet water. Often accompanied by an Escapee. Try using a Camo-Cough with an Astaire.

Uncle Todd

An Uncle Todd is a bathroom user who seems to linger around forever. This person could spend extended lengths of time in front of the mirror or sitting on the pot. An Uncle Todd makes it difficult to relax while on the crapper, as you should always wait to poop when the bathroom is empty. This benefits you as well as other bathroom attendees.

Via Dave.

Please accept with no obligation, implied or implicit, my best wishes for an
environmentally conscious, socially responsible, low stress, nonaddictive,
gender neutral celebration of the winter solstice holiday, practiced with
the most enjoyable traditions of religious persuasion or secular practices
of your choice with respect for the religious/secular persuasions and/or
traditions of others, or their choice not to practice religious or secular
traditions at all.

I also wish you a fiscally successful, personally fulfilling and medically
uncomplicated recognition of the onset of the generally accepted calendar
year 2006, but not without due respect for the calendars of choice of other
cultures whose contributions to society have helped make America great (not
to imply that America is necessarily greater than any other country or is
the only “America” in the western hemisphere) and without regard to the
race, creed, color, age, physical ability, religious faith or sexual
preference of the wishee.

By accepting this greeting, you are accepting these terms:

1. This greeting is subject to clarification or withdrawal.
2. It is freely transferable with no alteration to the original greeting.
3. It implies no promise by the wisher to actually implement any of the wishes for her/himself or others and is void where prohibited by law, and is revocable at the sole discretion of the wisher.
4. This wish is warranted to perform as expected within the usual application of good tidings for a period of one year or until the issuance of a subsequent holiday greeting, whichever comes first, and warranty is limited to replacement of this wish or issuance of a
   new wish at the sole discretion of the wisher.

Disclaimer: No trees were harmed in the sending of this message; however, a
significant number of electrons were slightly inconvenienced.

• A scrollbar scarf
• A Lowes or Home Depot gift card
• Music
• Top shelf gin and whiskey are always welcome as well
• A donation made to a notable charity in my name (MARF, ACLU, Susan G. Komen Breast Cancer Foundation or The American Red Cross are my top choices)

Whatever you do don’t purchase me clothes or toys. I don’t need either. Also, don’t use my Amazon wishlist as reference it’s fairly outdated, though I won’t complain too much if I get a few DVD’s this year.

Before you think “Hey, I should get Joe something for Christmas” look at the last bullet point on this list and ask yourself if I really need what you were thinking about getting me.

Josh: OC comes on soon
Josh: have you been watching that Reunion show?
Josh: I like it
Me: Sweet – maybe I’ll watch it on my new iPod while I’m taking a dump
Josh: lmao…nice
Josh: you bought a fancy one eh?
Me: I took the biggest dump ever today.
Me: Yeah.
Josh: FYI that’s GROSS
Me: A black one.
Josh: iPod or dump?

Via drunkbunny.org.