Conservatives want a Divorce from Liberals

Today I woke up to an email calling for Conservatives and Liberals to divorce. With this divorce they propose a number of demands about splitting up our mutual assets.

  • Conservatives and Liberals should split the country, by land mass, right down the middle. No method for doing so is outlined in the Conservatives petition.
  • Liberals are to take the liberal judges, the ACLU, the affirmative action crowd, the NAACP, and the National Organization of Women. Liberals are also to take Nancy Pelosi and Harry Reid with them.
  • Conservatives want all of the guns, the cops, the NRA, and the military.
  • Liberals are to take Oprah, Michael Moore and Rosie O’Donnell. Liberals are, however, responsible for finding a bio-diesel vehicle big enough to move them.
  • Conservatives wish to take capitalism, greedy corporations, pharmaceuticals, Wal-Mart, McDonald’s, and Wall Street.
  • Liberals are to take homeboys, hippies, and illegal aliens.
  • Conservatives wish to take all hockey moms, greedy CEO’s, and rednecks.
  • Conservatives wish to take all of the Bibles.
  • Liberals are to take all copies of Mein Kampf.
  • Conservatives wish to keep Fox News and insist the Liberals have NBC, CNN, MSNBC, CBS, ABC and the entirety of Hollywood. As a goodwill gesture Conservatives wish to give Liberals National Public Television as well.
  • Conservatives wish to keep Rush Limbaugh and Sean Hannity.
  • Liberals will take Al Franken and Keith Oberman.
  • Conservatives are willing to let the Liberals negotiate peace agreements with Iran and Palestine, but reserve the right to invade and/or “hammer the crap out of” any country that threatens them.
  • Liberals may take the peaceniks and war protestors.
  • Conservatives wish to keep their Judo-Christian values, while the Liberals will take Islam, Scientology, Humanism, and Shirley McClain with them.
  • Conservatives wish to retain all Hummers, SUV’s, pickup trucks, motor homes, oversized luxury cars, power boats, Harley Davidsons, and private airplanes.
  • Liberals will receive rights to all 4-cylinder vehicles, all hybrid technology, mopeds, kayaks and canoes.
  • Conservatives wish that Liberals will give their entire populous healthcare. Conservatives will continue providing privatized healthcare.
  • Conservatives wish to keep “God Bless America” and the National Anthem. Conservatives wish that the Liberals take “Imagine”, “I’d Like to Teach the World to Sing”, “Kumbaya”, and “We Are the World”.
  • Conservatives wish to continue practicing trickle down economics. Liberals are allowed to give trickle up poverty a their best shot.
  • Conservatives wish to keep the US history, name and flag.

Liberals can see merit in the Conservatives’ desire to file for divorce. By and large most of your demands seem perfectly reasonable. Before we can properly file for divorce, we need to flesh out the details of our separation agreement. Below is the Liberals’ counteroffer.

  • Liberals accept, at face value, the idea of splitting the country in half by land mass. We propose splitting the country according to the electoral map from the previous four Presidential elections. Any state that went for a Liberal in 3 or more of the last 4 elections will be the sole custody of Liberals. The following states voted for a liberal in 4 out of 4 of the last Presidential elections: Maine, Washington, Delaware, Maryland, New Jersey, Connecticut, New York, Vermont, Massachusetts, Michigan, Pennsylvania, Minnesota, California, Rhode Island, Wisconsin, Illinois, Oregon, and Hawaii. The following states voted for a liberal in 3 out of 4 of the last Presidential elections: New Hampshire, New Mexico, and Iowa.
  • Liberals accept all of the terms outlined for the liberal judges, NAACP, ACLU and NOW. Liberals assume that by accepting the entire NAACP that Conservatives do not wish to have any of the people they represent as well. Liberals wish they be allowed to move to the new Liberal union, if they wish.
  • Liberals concede guns and the NRA. However, Liberals object to all cops and the entire military. Liberals believe police officers are an important part of any civilized union and wish to retain the services of those already employed in our union. Furthermore, Liberals wish to keep all military bases that currently reside within the confines of our union. This includes 31 bases in California alone.
  • Liberals accept all of the Conservatives’ terms with regards to Oprah, Michael Moore, and Rosie O’Donnell. Liberals are more than happy to take a billionaire philanthropist, a man whose first film documented the plight of blue collar men and women working in the auto industry, and a loud mouthed lesbian into the new Liberal union. Furthermore, Liberals accept responsibility for finding comfortable bio-diesel transportation for all three.
  • Liberals object to the idea of taking “capitalism” as capitalism is, in fact, an idea rather than an object that someone can easily negotiate possession of. Liberals conceded all rights to 100% free markets as Liberals believe free markets, driven by corporations’ quest for profits, left unchecked are dangerous to the markets themselves (akin to giving drug addicts unfettered access to drugs). Furthermore, Liberals insist that corporations be dividing according to the new unions’ respective borders. As a goodwill gesture, Liberals will set up a special district, with equal access to both sides, on Wall Street.
  • Liberals accept Conservatives’ demands to take all homeboys and hippies. Furthermore, Liberals wish that illegal aliens be divided along the new unions’ respective borders. Texas seems just as willing as California to accept illegal aliens and, as such, Liberals feel it’s only fair Texas and similar states bear the burden equally.
  • Liberals concede all demands on hockey moms, greedy CEO’s, and rednecks. Liberals are, quite frankly, perplexed as to why Conservatives wish to keep such worthless possessions, but concede them nonetheless.
  • Despite finding Hitler’s actions despicable, Liberals will take all copies of Mein Kampf so that future Liberals don’t repeat history. Liberals believe history is important and should be preserved no matter how horrible that history may be.
  • Liberals accept all demands on the equitable division of news organizations. Furthermore, Liberals wish to keep NPR and Howard Stern, who is an ardent Liberal and benefactor of the ACLU.
  • Liberals concede to the Conservatives both the  drug addict, Rush Limbaugh and college dropout, Sean Hannity. Liberals are more than happy to take Senator Al Franken and Cornell University alum, Keith Olbermann.
  • Liberals accept their right to pursue peace agreements whenever possible and with whomever is receptive. However, Liberals wish for a clear definition of what Conservatives mean by “threaten”. Liberals are worried this may infer to “the stink eye” or “acting gay”.
  • Liberals accept all peacful people, including peaceniks, and peaceful protestors into the new Liberal union.
  • Liberals accept all peaceful religions and peaceful religious people. Liberals naturally assume anyone not wishing for peaceful coexistence will refrain from moving to or living within the Liberal union.
  • Liberals concede rights to SUV’s, Hummers, etc., but reserve the right to create alternative fueled and/or hybrid versions that do not rely on foreign oil at their descretion. Furthermore, until such technology has been brought to mass market, Liberals reserve the right to use these things in good faith for the jobs they were designed. In other words, Liberals will continue to use SUV’s and pickups for organic farming, responsible logging, etc.
  • Liberals accept all of the terms outlined for hybrid technology and fuel efficient vehicles. Liberals believe achieving foreign oil independence is crucial to surviving in the future and, as such, request all solar panels, wind farms, and hydroelectric power plants. Liberals reserve the right to pursue responsible usage of nuclear power as well.
  • Liberals wish to accept all terms on healthcare. Liberals strongly believe in the preamble to The Declaration of the United States of America, which states that life, liberty and the pursuit of happiness are among our unalienable rights. Liberals believe that neither life nor happiness can be achieved without access to proper healthcare and that, by denying equal access to healthcare, you are, by definition, denying access to peoples’ unalienable rights.
  • Liberals concede the concept of trickle down economics to the Conservatives. It did, after all, work very, very well for Ronald Reagan and George W. Bush (both presided over major Wall Street crashes; 1987, 2001 and 2008 respectively). Liberals, however, wish to pursue any economic policy they wish, which may, or may not, include the policy pursued by Bill Clinton (which resulted in a $127 billion federal surplus).
  • Liberals wish to keep the shared history both Conservatives and Liberal share. It’s not easy to divide that up. That being said, Liberals concede the flag if so desired, but object to Conservatives’ use of “The United States of America”. The name implies an ambiguous network of diverse states working together towards a common goal. The homogeneous Conservative union (filled solely with conservative, Christian, white people) should probably choose a more concise name. Liberals suggest The United States of Jesusland.
  • Furthermore, Liberals wish that the Conservatives break it gently to Mississippi, Louisiana, Alaska, West Virginia, North Dakota, Alabama, Virginia, Kentucky, South Dakota, etc. they they won’t be able to get more money from the federal government than they put in anymore either. Liberals understand that Conservatives are against the redistribution of wealth and, as such, assume this won’t be an issue.

The resulting Liberal union would take 54.16% of the GDP with it, Silicon Valley, New York City, San Francisco, the home of Boeing, most of the good wine, the arts, the movie industry, the auto industry, the entire Ivy League, Stanford, University of Michigan, CalTech, UC Berkeley, JGI (first to map the human genome), Lawrence Livermore Labs, most of Boeing’s manufacturing facilities, the nation’s largest airports, nearly all of the major ports of entry, etc.

The Liberals wish the Conservatives luck. The Liberal union will have the largest GDP for any country in the world, soundly beating The United States of Jesusland by $1.1 trillion.

The Conservatives will need to figure out where to get their movies and TV shows from. Conservatives will also have difficulty finding doctors since a full two thirds of the top medical schools now reside in the Liberal union.

Manufacturing SUV’s and Hummers is difficult when most of the manufacturing plants reside either outside of both of our new unions or reside in states within the Liberal union. Either way, those manufacturing facilities are controlled by companies residing in the Liberal union. Furthermore, most commercial aircraft are now built within the Liberal union and controlled by Boeing, which resides in two Liberal union states.

The Liberal union will also be sure to ship all of our fancy new drugs to The United States of Jesusland as five out of the top five pharmecutical companies reside within the Liberal states.

Actually, now that we think about it, divorce sounds like a splendid idea.

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