I wanted to send some sort of holiday greeting to my friends, but it is so
difficult in today’s world to know exactly what to say without offending
someone. So I met with my attorney yesterday, and on his advice I wish to
say the following:
Please accept with no obligation, implied or implicit, my best wishes for an
environmentally conscious, socially responsible, low stress, nonaddictive,
gender neutral celebration of the winter solstice holiday, practiced with
the most enjoyable traditions of religious persuasion or secular practices
of your choice with respect for the religious/secular persuasions and/or
traditions of others, or their choice not to practice religious or secular
traditions at all.
I also wish you a fiscally successful, personally fulfilling and medically
uncomplicated recognition of the onset of the generally accepted calendar
year 2006, but not without due respect for the calendars of choice of other
cultures whose contributions to society have helped make America great (not
to imply that America is necessarily greater than any other country or is
the only “America” in the western hemisphere) and without regard to the
race, creed, color, age, physical ability, religious faith or sexual
preference of the wishee.
By accepting this greeting, you are accepting these terms:
- This greeting is subject to clarification or withdrawal.
- It is freely transferable with no alteration to the original greeting.
- It implies no promise by the wisher to actually implement any of the wishes for her/himself or others and is void where prohibited by law, and is revocable at the sole discretion of the wisher.
- This wish is warranted to perform as expected within the usual application of good tidings for a period of one year or until the issuance of a subsequent holiday greeting, whichever comes first, and warranty is limited to replacement of this wish or issuance of a
new wish at the sole discretion of the wisher.
Disclaimer: No trees were harmed in the sending of this message; however, a
significant number of electrons were slightly inconvenienced.
You need to contact Hallmark, and get this turned into a Christmas card!
Brilliant satire. Well done. 🙂
Yes, certainly brilliant work, Joseph.
Nice link. I got it in an email forward, sorry for not pointing that out in my post. If anyone knows who this could be attributed to please post this into the comments.
“It is freely transferable with no alteration to the original greeting.”